---
title: "Funny: Company Memo"
date: 2004-05-04 15:31:26
permalink: https://lesterchan.net/blog/2004/05/04/funny-company-memo/
author: Lester Chan
excerpt: "I saw this funny article on the last page of 8 Days issue 709 and liked it enough to share. It's a Company Memo welcoming staff back after Labour Day and advising of new rules now in force."
categories:
  - Blog
---

Saw this funny article on the last page of 8 days issue 709 (May 6 – May 13, 2004). I find it is quite good, so decided to type it out word for word and share it with you guys.

## Company Memo

Welcome back to the office after Labour Day. Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our Organization. ## Attire:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly,, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. ## Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. ## Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get five minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. ## Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. ## Restroom Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. ## Surgery:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice day.

## T H E E N D

Everybody makes mistakes; that’s why they put erasers on pencils.